My baby boy, my Jesus and the little details…
2003 had been a very long year.
I felt as though I had aged a decade that year, the year we lost our first baby. That year I learned what it meant to truly be married. The grief experienced by two kids, madly in love with each other sharing the dream of starting a family, will bring naive knees to the ground and His word to life…
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife and the two shall be one flesh Genesis 2:24 (KJV)
Loosing a child is something a momma carries with her everyday. It might not always be in your hand, but it’s tucked away somewhere deep in your pockets. You can lay it at His feet and still hold it in your heart.
I remember the very spot on the road… I had trusted God and He knew the desires of my heart. I ached to hold a baby in my arms, his baby. Our baby. With everything in my I cried out to my Lord, I KNOW you can move heaven and earth. I KNOW. I am asking you to move mountains for me. Give us a baby and we will give him back to you.
That evening I just thought I would see… why not. He moves mountains. And that night… for me, He did. There were two straight lines screaming back at me ~ I AM FAITHFUL.
It seems like yesterday we carried him into his room and were OVERCOME by our Lord’s LOVE. I cried for a baby that God had blessed us with and I mourned for one I would never see this side of heaven. IT was too much. But isn’t that just our Lord, too much. Just when we think we can’t bear no more whether it be sorrow or joy~ He is there, with more. And we are overflowing.
Where did all the time go… It seems like an ongoing battle ~ hurry up to slow down… exhausted from the effort of staying a step ahead… Eight years have passed in and out of our lives like a fleeting train.
I have made mistakes. Shouted when I shouldn’t have. Not listened when I should. We Momma’s sometimes forget that the same grace we scream our good Lord offers is also extended to us. But for every lesson I stubbornly tried to teach them… He has taught me.
There is something about the one that makes you a Momma. The one that turns you into a woman. Grief had grown me and Love had stretched me. Just when you can’t take anymore~ He is there and you are overflowing.
Your children will change you. Push you. Stretch you. Scare you. Scar you. Love you. Forgive you.
As the Lord draws me closer I see them differently. I see them with Kingdom vision. And that truly does change you.
Life throws baseballs at you… and society sweeps in… pressures from the world are sometimes too much to bear… the enemy distracts you…
How do you raise a real Warrior in a world of video games and sexual innuendos on every corner…
You have to give them back to the Lord. I have learned that you have to lay them at HIS feet. But laying them at His feet doesn’t mean you don’t carry them around in your heart.
Somehow I misplaced nine years of my baby’s life. Maybe they’re just tucked deep down in my pockets. I know it was just yesterday his sweet head nestled against my chest and I watched in amazement how my God works in the very details. How He will fill us with the very nourishment our baby will need.
How do you raise a real Warrior in this life that seems to be so fast pace and ever fleeting? Whether it’s walking up to bat on a baseball field, paying the dinner bill for the first time or reluctantly making a friend to someone new… You teach them that God is in the details. He thrives in the details. You remind him in the slightest of moments. Jesus is with you!
And then… There it is, just when you think there is no time, you listen for “Momma!” and then you lean down in all the roar of revving engines and thumping anxious hearts and you smile and look him in the eye and you remind your boy, our boy ~ His boy… our God is in the details.
And when a little man who still fits in your lap looks back at you in a crazy grown-up racing suit and answers only with full wet eyes ~ you know. He knows. It is what you have been praying and with God’s grace ~ what you have been living. Just when you can’t take no more ~ HE is there and you are overflowing.
xo,
